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A lot is starting to come into focus, most of which is in the audioboo. In print though I wanted to look at my final point – feeling negative about good things, be it my husband, my meditation teacher, my boss – having thoughts that they in some way don’t like me or don’t appreciate what I bring, when nothing could be further from the truth. In going round the group for feedback from last week, Alistair took his time to get to me. A thought came up that I wasn’t appreciated, I started feeling negative, despite when he did get to me rather thoroughly validating what I had to say. This happened at work last week, it also happens around Tom. It’s part of my mental landscape, and it’s interesting becoming aware of it, it’s a response to my self-image again.
Of course the very last point really was a doozy. My deeply rooted need to rebel, which has caused so many problems, finally came into sharp focus as a response to my own, self-imposed processes of control, be it of my breath, my walking or anything else. It’s very simple, and one of the most important realisations I’ve had about my self in my entire life. Approaching Alistair’s mindfulness meditation course when things are good really is paying off dramatically.