It really is interesting becoming aware of the autonomous way in which my ‘big’ mind works, and the language in which the information about ‘what am I thinking’, ‘how am I feeling’ etc is conveyed. This morning it was very clear that much of my thinking sits under the radar of my inner voice – it has its own sensation, and very few words. Similarly I prefer to think, not to listen. I control even my body while I’m standing; it takes care of itself (as does my breathing), but I expend a lot of energy controlling both things. I simply don’t need to but do it anyway.
I have huge conditionality about my self-esteem. If others think badly of me, I think badly of me and internalise it straight into my body, my neck, my back. Interesting – there’s thinking going on under the surface that allows that to happen, that it ties into. It’s that self-image thing – a fluid concept, barely staying stable, but against which so much of my thinking and feelings are predicated.
I’m curious about how much of this is becoming clear now – why now? Could it be a change of perspective, that I’m not using the practice to judge myself, or to change myself, given how good life is right now? That really is a change.