I put all my weight onto my right foot, I overuse my calves to stand up, and I have a constant urge to rush or not do my morning meditation. I know this by continuing the practice of looking at the four fields of mindfulness whilst standing. I can now see thoughts too which take this very seriously indeed, and when I’m aware of them I find myself nearly laughing compassionately at myself – taking myself seriously is so ‘me’ and that’s fine. I didn’t meditate the last two days, once I regret – the other not (sex is pretty important in a relationship and the time was right), and I didn’t write up 1b, but the themes I’ve seen have been similar. The thoughts for example aren’t the same, but there are semi-invisible, subtle thoughts which are. They put huge pressure on my chest still, tied as they are to this self image I have still that this isn’t serious enough a thing to do. If I just think about my morning hard enough, if I just achieve, achieve, achieve, and do all the things listed in my head then I’ll be happy.
I also notice how much I control my breathing and how difficult it is to let my breath take care of itself. My breath responds to my emotions which are tied to my thoughts. Not thoughts of Michael Jackson’s death for example, those are the things which just pop into your head and go away – my breath responds to causal thoughts – thinking. It’s quite humbling watching the organism which is me from a distance, as an observer. There’s so much going on, so many conditions to accepting myself throughout my ‘big’mind, yet it’s clearly so simple when I see me for what I am.
I hadn’t noticed how thorough that self image was before Tuesday’s meditation.