I thought the ‘nada’ sound might work for this. Waking up cranky on a Monday is nothing new for anyone, but it was realising Dad had tried to phone all weekend to see how I was feeling that broke through the reality that something was not right. I didn’t talk emotionally back, and afterwards felt increasingly uneasy – that I needed to – and a prime opportunity for us both had got missed. So I spent fifteen minutes meditating against the ‘nada’ sound, which as expected, was as painful as when I learned it last Monday. Coming from the body as it does, and constant as it is, it’s a reminder to a raging mind that it has a choice – accept the constant with all the flaws, sadnesses and uglinesses in its container (me) – or just keep raging. Except the raging will involve pain inflicted by me on me.
And it fit perfectly with what was going on – I was hating myself, being very hard on myself without good cause, and not feeling comfortable in my own skin. Using the meditation to see this clearly was invaluable. I saw that telling Dad this – him having asked clearly about it for the first time – would have helped. I resolved to talk to him later and asked Tom to help in the meantime. How strange it was – really strange – to ask for help from him – to admit weakness even to myself, without indulging in it and crashing. But I didn’t crash – I felt curious about this and wanted to experiment how to go about it a successful way. It was the lesson meditating on the hill a week ago – accepting the weakness, being open to it, and realising that the ‘me’ I want to be will follow.
We’ll see how the day goes.